how to cope with essay writing induced stress

The following tips will only be successful if one tells oneself any or all of these statements:

• I have plenty of time
• I work better with shorter deadlines
• Fuck me, I don't want to do this

I maintain as a qualified medical professional* that these dealing with stress tips have been repeatedly tried and tested, and have proven to be efficient techniques**

• Do not wash hair or wear clean clothes. Dirty manky hair and smelly tracksuits will discourage you from a desire to leave the house, thus ensuring more time spent at work station.
• When feeling overwhelmed, scribble a series of expletives on glass-top desk. Later, idly muse over just how permanent 'permanent' Sharpies really are. Add more expletives as needed.
• Paper and books strewn across the entire floor's surface is quite frankly the only filing system that works.
• As constant studying and research is inexplicably related to making one ravenous, it is recommended that one sates ones hunger with limitless amounts of chocolate, chips and licorice (alternatives may be substituted as one sees fit). Wonder later why self feels a strong desire to expel foodstuffs from body in a variety of methods, as well as why clothes no longer fit comfortably. 
• After essays are bashed out in frantic manner, celebrate by consuming copious amount of alcohol of personal choice.***

Once have awoken from alcohol-induced unconsciousness, life may resume as normal. Which, as from now, it does.

*This is a filthy dirty lie. 

**This is also a filthy dirty lie.

***This is the only tip that I can stand by.