you’re my favourite mofo

A few weeks ago, late on a Sunday night, I realised I hadn’t looked at my phone all day. Not once. I picked it up, pouted and said in an indiscriminate accent, ‘Ah, nobody love me.’ No texts, no missed calls. Nothing. I put the phone down, forgot about it and kept watching television. Later when I went to bed, I picked up the phone again to set the alarm and I saw a text message from Dad. I love you, it read.

 

fantastic card from lemonswithapea.

I haven’t meant to have a blogging hiatus. It just happened. And then I realised I had only posted once this month and I felt lazy. Lazier than usual. And then Naina kindly asked if I was taking a break and it felt nice to have someone go out of their way to ask where I was.

I have an idea for a post swimming around the murky waters of my mind but the words are being stubborn mules. They won’t come, no matter how I entice them. I’m working on it. I’ll bribe them with something. Drugs or alcohol or something (kidding) (about the drugs, not the alcohol).

the list

On Wednesday, a coffee date (hello, Alex) turned into lunch, three coffees in three hours and conversation that never stopped for breath. Later, while suffering a severe case of latte-induced jitters, I realised that most of what I had to offer was bitching about people or things that had pissed me off. And I think I do this regularly which is a little bit alarming. You’ll know all about my pissing and moaning if you follow me on Twitter (apologies for clogging up your feed).

It reminded me how I used to have a list. If I spoke to someone shitty on the phone at work, I would hang up and say ‘Well, they’ve just gone on The List.’ Everything and everyone was on it; sometimes they were aware of it, mostly they weren’t.

More for my own benefit than yours, I’ve decided to document The List so that when I decide to launch my own personal jihad against those who have wronged me, I’ll know exactly where to start. I’m not going to balance it out with a ‘happy’ or ‘grateful’ list either. I’m just not sunshine and unicorns and cupcakes and sparkles like that.

So here it is. Feel free to unfollow the blog if you wish (you will risk being added to said list) and feel free to add your own to the list because I can almost guarantee that they will piss me off too.

The List:

6. Morgan.

5. General lack of manners. Please and thank you aren’t all that hard, mofo.

4. People who sneeze and then don’t acknowledge the bless you you say to them.

3. Cameron Diaz (although I did watch the R-rated version of the Bad Teacher trailer last night and now can’t wait to see it which just really confuses me because I can’t stand Diaz with her stupid Joker grin but she was hilarious in this trailer and I think it’s probably just safer to leave her on The List just in case).

2. Screaming babies (see No. 1).

1. House guests (see No. 2).

You know, I’m just going to leave it at five for today. Don’t want to overwhelm you with my levels of barely contained, simmering rage. Ahhh though, it does feel good to get things off ones chest so go on, say it, get it out: what pisses you off?