Last Saturday morning at work, while I was condemning the people who use the same wet spoon for both the coffee and the sugar and thus leaving either brown or white little clumps in the opposite, to an eternity spent in the fiery depths of Hell, I made mention to Lisa-Marie on Twitter that I wished I was the boss of the world so I could sort out the disgusting people who find it too hard to dry a spoon. (Worst sentence ever, by the way.) And then I thought ‘Ooh … boss of the world, that sounds like fun’ and with increasing delusions of grandeur, I began creating a list of all the rules I would enforce,
should I when I become Boss of the World.
1. People must use their manners. Please and thank you and sorry. It’s not hard, motherfuckers. Table manners also. Swearing will be totally acceptable, FYI. Except the c-word. Except when it is delivered with hilarity, such as the way Kristen Wiig delivers it in Bridesmaids. Then it can be used with gay abandon. But only then.
2. Mosquitoes be damned! I’ve been harping on about how these high-pitched buzzing, biting, blood-sucking vampire insects are the bane of my existence, and that when I become stinking rich, I’m going to commission a team of scientists (commission? hire?) to make the bastards (or is it bitches? I think I read somewhere years ago that it is the females that do the biting. Sluts) extinct, therefore earning me a Noble Peace Prize. But now that I’m B of the W, I wouldn’t have to worry about paying anyone to eradicate an entire species, I could simply command them to do so with a wave of my wand (oh, there will be a wand. Maybe even a cape. Depends on the weather, obviously). The people will appreciate my altruistic endeavour and I will still be awarded the Nobel. While they’re at it, the scientists will also end the snakes’ reign of terror, once and for all.
3. Thou shalt not be a dickhead.
4. ‘Parking inspector’ will cease to be a valid employment option. See No. 3.
5. Scientists will find a way to make chocolate a non-fattening foodstuff. Sidebar: how great is that word? Foodstuff. Foodstuff. FOODSTUFF.
6. Ugly shoes are banned. Also with regards to feet, people shall be responsible for maintaining a high standard of personal footsie hygiene. Nails shall be of a short length and well-groomed, heels shall be regularly pumiced, odour shall be kept under control. Failure to meet these requirements shall result in three written warnings and finally, a toe being amputated for each offence thereafter. Tough, but fair. Hygiene is important.
7. Everyone will learn the difference between their/they’re/there and to/two, et al. And they will use them correctly because, damn, people: you did graduate primary school, did you not? It’s not rocket surgery.
8. Vapid fame-whores (Kardashians, I’m looking at you) will be free to exist but without polluting our televisions, magazines, bookshelves, or internets ever again.
9. When it comes to religion, live and let live. You know. No more wars in the same of God, no persecution for believing one thing in particular – except for Scientology. That shit is the first to go. Seriously. Written by a science fiction writer? Tom Cruise? Come back to me in a thousand years and then I might relent and relax the rules, L. Ron.
10. It will be a helluva lot easier to find one’s mate. There’ll be some kind of registry or something. Details to follow.
So. Boss of the World. Pretty cool, yeah? All those people who use a wet spoon for both sugar and coffee, this is your notice.