early mornings

via Pinterest, original source unknown

A night owl by nature, I'm always surprised at how much joy and peace comes from rising before the sun.

Padding around in bare feet on the cool tiles, in a darkened room, preferring not to switch on the lights and instead letting my eyes adjust to the darkness.

Up and about before anyone else, the cat still asleep on the back of the couch, the world still for a brief moment in time.

Silently preparing the first cup of coffee for the day and then watching as a golden glow starts to peek through the wooden venetian blind slats and the room is warmed with light.

For those few moment that I'm alone, before the day has begun and brought with it whatever dramas or laughs that make my chest tighten or my heart sing, I'm grateful for everything - midst of an existential crisis or otherwise.


Thank you for your comments on my last post. There is some comfort to be taken in learning everyone else doesn't have it all figured out, no matter how together someone else's life appears. We may not know where we're going but there's nothing wrong with that.

what's it all about, alfie

pinterest via weird fish, original source unknown

I have made a startling revelation. Something that is making me question everything. Everything. But first, something silly.

I was at the hairdresser yesterday and amused myself by listening to the conversation girls were having at the station beside me (because what else is there to do when you're stuck at the salon for three hours? Three. Hours. Just to have some foils and a colour done. Three hours. For the love of God). The client was dating a new guy and wasn't quite sure if the dude was the right guy for her. When the hairdresser asked why not, this was her reply:

"Well, he has tattoos. Which I'm totally okay with ... totally ... It's just that he has a lot of them. And it's fine, really, I've just never dated someone who has so many tattoos before. I mean, he's got a full sleeve, one on his leg and a huge one on his back. So many! But it's seriously not an issue at all."

Funny, because it sounds like it is an issue. A huge issue. She continued:

"But it's good, you know. I think he realises he isn't dating his usual calibre of girl so he's being really careful not to swear around me."

Hell. His usual "calibre"? Sounds like homeboy - and all of his tattoos - would be better off putting his boots under someone else's bed.

Anyway. So. You guys, not to sound dramatic or anything, but I'm pretty certain I'm deep in the throes of an existential crisis. I've been thinking a lot of the future, about life after university (which, granted, won't be until the middle of next year, but can one really start stressing one's self out too early?) and the grand poobah of all concern: what is my purpose?

What am I here for? What is my point? My purpose? What's it all about, Alfie? I feel like I don't have a plan and I feel like I need a plan. A plan to do what exactly though is the problem. When I said in my last post that my life is ridiculous, I meant it. It is. I feel like I have Peter Pan syndrome, a perpetual girl-woman. Sure, I go to university - but only for three days a week. I work one day. What do I do with the rest of my time? Piss it up the wall, in a manner of speaking. I feel like I don't have anything of any importance to do (and I'm not talking about the kind of importance of reading the book for Gothic Genres & Contested Spaces in time for the lecture and tutorial. I mean important stuff). I don't have a relationship/marriage to nurture, or a child to take care of, or a house to maintain. Not even a super-exciting project to develop. Nada.

I pinned the above picture on Pinterest a while back and there were a few "Oh, snap!" comments but there was one smug bitch who wrote "Not when you have babies :)" and even though I'm not desperate to have children, I envy her sense of purpose.

Sidenote, last week an old family friend was visiting and, eavesdropping once again, I heard her say to my mother something about when I have kids, and Mum said, "I don't think Annelise will be having any children." And it really made me think. I think Mum said it more of a way to put a stop to the inevitable follow-up of further enquires and subsequent problem-fixing of The State of Annelise's Life, What She's Doing Wrong and How Best to Fix It, rather than any actual belief that I won't procreate (or did she ... ?) but it still made me think. I relayed the information to my cousin when we were out celebrating St Patrick's Day, while musing (again) about being 32, single with no prospects, and he dismissed me with a happy wave of his hand (there was beer involved), saying, "Pah! You could get pregnant tonight!" (N.B.I did not attempt to.)

It is true though, you never know what's around the corner. You don't. But what if there isn't anything around the corner? Who says there has to be? What if there's not? Or what if the corner takes a fucking long time to get to? Which it is, it's definitely taking an age to trudge along this street to reach the corner.

But seriously. It's not about babies or finding The One (or pehaps it is, I don't know), it's about purpose. Intention. The point. And my lacking. How does one find their purpose? And exactly how long does that take? At the moment, I feel like I'm existing, but not really living. And that's a damn waste.

Don't think I'm feeling depressed and want to end it all because I'm not and I certainly don't. In fact, I'm feeling quite cheerful about it. I mean, come on, an existential crisis? How delightfully wanky! But also, questioning my existence should surely lead to some positive discoveries. Hopefully, touch wood.

Also, oddly, I checked my horoscope while at the salon yesterday. No matter that the magazine was from last month, something stood out enough for me to reach into my bag for my notebook and pen, and write down the following:

You have moved in a peculiar alternative reality for years, when confusion was only a step away.

Now, bugger me if I know what that really means but peculiar alternative reality took my fancy. And I think the gist of the horoscope was that the time has come to start questioning everything. The words stayed with me all night and I checked another horoscope today and it said:

Expect the spend the next four weeks doing some deep thinking about your past and how it got you to where you are now.

So yay! My existential crisis should, by all accounts, be resolved by 24 April 2012, at approximately 2.04pm.

In all seriousness, I think this is part of the funk I was talking about in my last post. When in Vietnam, I felt a strong sense of 'rich, Western, white person guilt', even though by Western standards, I most definitely cannot be considered rich, and I didn't like it. It made me think I should be doing more. Something with more purpose. More purpose.

by what is this i don't even

Feeling a bit emo. I’ve been thinking I should be blogging about my trip to Vietnam but I can’t. Maybe I’m in some kind of post-holiday funk. Vietnam was beautiful and crazy and overwhelming and chaotic, and it had its ups and downs. When I came back home, the seasons had changed and there was a feeling about that even more had changed but I didn’t know exactly what. I’m still not sure I do.

I started back at uni this week, two weeks after everyone else. I feel like lectures are being given in a language I don’t understand. Just another two more weeks to go and we’re on mid-semester break.

My life feels ridiculous.

Guest Post: Big Mario Life

You guys, I'm home (home sweet home) but my brain is elsewhere. Also, I have no idea what happened to the scheduling of these guest posts. I triple checked everything before I left and yet, they still did not work out and that's why you've gotten a concentrated hit of them in the past few days. Oh well. In the meantime, while I get myself sorted out, here's quite the inspiring guest post by Stephanie from Big Mario Life on chasing your dreams.

When Annelise invited me to do a guest post while she's off trotting the globe, she suggested a post on following your dreams.  Following my dreams?  I used to read about people "following their dreams" and every time I would think, "Wow.  I wish I could do that."  And now, here I sit at my kitchen table, homemade latte in hand, taking a break from editing photos to write a little note to you.  No office to go to, no time clock to track, no boss to answer to...  So is this my dream?  Absolutely.  But it took me a long time to realize it.

I worked pretty hard to not just get through law school but to do well at it.  I landed that coveted law firm job right after graduation.  I busted my butt working for the Man for much longer than I expected.  And the whole time I was doing it, I kept thinking, "Ugh.  I wish I could just take pictures for a living."  No joke.  Even while studying for the bar exam, my roommate and I would often whine about what we "really" wanted to do - she talked about opening a bakery, I talked about starting a photography business.  But for some reason, I just couldn't turn those words into actions.  Until a few months ago.  I was not happy at work.  In fact, I was so not happy, I would come home and cry some nights.  And let me tell you, I am NOT normally a crier.  I'm a tough chick and can hold back tears with the best of them.  So for me to break down at the thought of getting up the next day and going into that office again ... well, that was a clear sign that something had to change.  At first I thought I'd start the photography business as a part-time thing while working at the firm.  But then I thought - I'm 30 freaking years old, I've worked my ass off to be successful and get this far in life, I should be doing something that I truly enjoy - that I love and that I'm passionate about - and I should be doing it full-time, not just on the weekends.

Realizing I deserve that happiness was one of the most important moments of my adult life.  So I quit my enviable firm job and became self-employed.  Overnight, my mood changed.  I'm happy again.  I'm motivated, I look forward to getting up and working everyday, and I'm excited about what my future holds.  And while it's scary knowing that my next pay check won't come unless I book more photo gigs - that I am solely responsible for things like health insurance, saving for retirement, marketing my business, etc. - there's still something liberating about being my own boss.  I know I'm doing what I'm meant to do.  I'm in full control of my career and my future.  If I want to work in pajamas then I'm gonna do it, dammit!  So is this my dream?  Yes.  Without a doubt.  I don't expect it all to be unicorns and rainbows from here on out, but I do expect that, in the long run, the leap of faith will pay off.

So there you have it.  My thoughts on following your dreams.  Maybe it's inspired you to do the same.  Whatever your dreams may be, however big or small, following them is never the wrong decision.

Thanks, Stephanie! Everyone else, don't forget to check out Big Mario Life!

Guest Post: Miz.November

Dudes, I am in pooncing around Vietnam. Jo from Miz.November has written an awesome post about creativity. Read it. Then go to her blog and read more.

Hello, fellow Crayon fans. Jo, from Miz. November, reporting for duty while Annelise is off exploring Vietnam. Today I want to talk about creative inspiration ... or the ever frustrating lack thereof.

It doesn't matter if you are a writer, painter, dancer, musician or circus performer; we all go through the same creative ups and downs. But the real problem is when you have tons of energy and excitement and are sitting around clapping your hands together, just waiting to get started on something great ... and the inspiration doesn't come. All of a sudden, there is nothing. Where are all those ideas that came to you while talking a shower? Or the ones that seem so brilliant when you are drifting off to sleep? How on earth do you go about getting the inspiration back?!?

Inspiration can be so elusive sometimes that the possibility of running across a magic unicorn with rainbow colored hair seems more likely. But I can tell you a few things that I have learned to at least try over the years. Here goes.

Miz. Jo's (Not So) Fail-Proof Tips For Finding Inspiration:

1. Turn off the damn computer. Seriously. How many hours have you spent looking at Etsy and Pinterest and blogs of all kinds? You have Information Overload. Your brain needs some down time so it can sort out all those new things you have taken in and rework them into brilliant new ideas.

2. Go outside. There is nothing like fresh air and the sound of nature to clear out the cobwebs. I can't explain why ... it just works.

3. Try meditation. Oh, lord. Did I just say that? Yeah, well, I guess I did. Meditation helps us slow our spazzo brains down so that thoughts become clearer and solutions present themselves.

4. Clean like a madman. No joke. I have talked to plenty of artists of all types to know that this works. It can be hard to concentrate on your creative endeavors when there are piles of clutter everywhere. Sometimes you just have to get things in order so your brain can worry about one thing at a time.

5. And this is my favorite tactic of all, boys and girls ... Just walk away. Quit trying. Forget about it. Go do something totally unrelated to your craft. Have dinner with friends. Get wild. Go jump in a lake. Swing from monkey bars. Jump on a trampoline. But keep a tiny notebook handy, for it is inevitable that creative inspiration will strike when you least expect it. So, stop trying to find it and let it find you.

Now, go do something amazing and report back to us tomorrow.

*photo from Pinterest, of course.

Thanks, Jo! You are awesome. As for you, have you checked out her lovely blog yet?

Guest Post: cracks in the pavement

Still pooncing around Vietnam. Sarah from cracks in the pavement is our guest blogger today. She's awesome. And mad about travel - a girl after my own heart. 

Hi all! I'm Sarah and I'm very excited to be guest posting for Annelise while she's off behaving herself in Vietnam. Since travelling is one of my all time favourite ways to drain my bank account, I thought I would share I few things I've learned along the way.

 

There will be no jumping for joy when you're the third wheel, trust me.

1. If you and a friend are planning a trip with just the two of you, do not under any circumstances allow their boyfriend/girlfriend to come along. 
Do you like your friend? Do you want to remain friends? Yes to both? Well do not travel with their other half as well. It doesn't matter what they say, you WILL be the third wheel and I speak of this from personal experience. There will be arguments, there will probably be tears and you will constantly be wondering what you were smoking when you agreed to this ridiculous idea. 



2.That food cart on the side of the road may scream salmonella but it's probably going to serve you the best meal of the trip.
Obviously you should avoid it if the food looks like it's rotting or the cook is putting out his cigarettes on the hot plate but if they're making it from scratch in front of you, dig in! Of course, there are going to be a couple of times where your judgment will be wrong and you will end up hugging a toilet bowl, but what's a trip without a good food poisoning story right?!

 Fish sandwiches in Istanbul. Sounded dubious but they were delicious!

3. Every country has a queuing system, you just don't understand it yet.

If there's one thing that drives my fellow countrymen crazy, it's pushing in. In Australia, we're big on queues and it can be confusing for us when we're overseas and we approach what appears to be a mass of people all trying to get the same train ticket. What we don't realise is that it's actually a very complicated system that we will never grasp. Of course there is also the chance that it is just a mass of people all trying to get the same train ticket and in that case, elbows are your friend.

4. Just because you're travelling does not mean you need to wear hiking gear

When I was in South America a few years ago, I could not believe how many people were wearing these along with a pair of heavy hiking boots. Every hostel I stayed at, I was surrounded by people in various shades of khaki and brown and could never understand why you would want to look like you were going hiking in the jungle when you were actually walking around a museum. Each to their own I suppose but don't go out and buy these clothing items when you have perfectly fashionable items in your closet.

This was the only time my friend ever wore these boots on our trip.

5. Drinking the local moonshine will only lead to headaches

But you'll have such a good time, it will be totally worth it!

Thanks for having me Annelise and hope you're having a blast over there in Vietnam!