Friday, November 4, 2016

November 2016

Last night I dreamt that all my fingernails fell off. A few weeks ago I woke up and saw someone standing at the end of my bed, looking at me. She had my face; I was looking at myself. I screamed so hard my throat was sore the next day. Almost every night, I wake with a sharp gasp, dreaming that there are people in my bedroom.

I catch movement out of my peripheral vision when I'm home alone. Your guardian angels, a clairvoyant told me. My beloved Nana? She's been gone from us for four years and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, don't miss her, don't wish that I could give everything I have to see her one more time. A couple of weeks after she died, I dreamt I was with my family at her and my grandfather's house and the phone rang. I answered it and it was her. I remember saying "But you can't call me, you're dead" but she was calling to let me know she was still around me.

I'm feeling it again, the restlessness. That feeling I need to be anywhere but here. Anywhere far, far away. I can feel my soul being called. I have to ignore it for now, responsibilities and obligations - financial, the hardest to argue - make me feel trapped and like an observer of my own life that's going by far too quickly. Money is fluid, I tell myself, it comes and it goes, I won't be stuck here forever.

I saw a clairvoyant earlier in the year. I sat on her couch and her dog curled up next me, 'He never does that," she told me as though I should feel special. I gave her the rings I wear on the middle fingers of each hand, both diamond rings, one my parents gave me for my 21st birthday and one I had made from the money my ex and I made when we sold the house we built together, and held them in her hand before she screwed up her face and said "My head is sore, have you been unwell?" I'd had a headache all week, the first I'd had in months. And we're off, I thought.

She told me plenty that rang true, including when she said "I don't see a boyfriend or a husband." You won't find him her, she continued. ("Not shit," my friend said when I relayed it, "I could have told you that.") Not in Australia, not in a country so young. I need to go to Europe and find me a man with some culture. France, in particular. Possibly Germany, maybe even Denmark. Anywhere but here. She surprised me like no other clairvoyant has by asking me if I minded if we watch some tv. She said her guides had never told her to make some watch television before but months ago, she had recorded an episode of Long Lost Family without knowing why at the time but lo and behold, I was the why. She fast forwarded, stopped, played, fast forwarded, stopped and played until she found the part she was looking for - a Frenchman who had lost contact with his girlfriend and baby a lifetime ago only to be reunited 28 years later. "This isn't your man, but they want me to show you what kind of man is out there for you." You can watch the episode here if that's your jam, or fang through to 21.20 to see the moment he opens the door and I let out an involuntary "Oh hello" and decided right then and there that I needed to learn French.

My days are the same. I'm working more hours than I ever have. When I last posted here, I said I loved my job. I'm still telling myself that even though sometimes it feels like I'm making myself suffer, like I'm making myself a martyr for a cause unknown. I wonder why I'm putting myself through this stress, stress that is surely causing me to dream I'm watching myself sleep at night, and I can't figure it out. I don't know if I enjoy it, I don't know if I hate it.

I've had an entire bottle of Prosecco tonight. The wind is howling but yet I keep going outside for a cigarette. Wait, I don't smoke. So what am I doing out there. I remember saying to an ex boss that I turn self-destructive when I'm bored. Bored, restless. Same same.

I miss blogging. Why don't we blog anymore, gang?